When Will My Life Begin?

Lately I've been feeling like a Disney Princess at the start of her movie.  No, I'm not implying I'm about to meet Prince Charming or find an enchanted castle, but I have felt like Belle wanting "adventure in the great wide somewhere" a lot lately.

Unlike a Disney Princess I can't just wonder "When will my life begin?" and suddenly a thief will wander up my tower and I will take the crown he has stolen to use as a barter chip to get me to my true home.  (That would be nice though.  Well, other than the breaking and entering... and being kidnapped as a child bit.)  I do not have the luxury of writers moving along my plot development so I have had to take matters into my own hands.

I recently started a pro-con list of places I was thinking about moving to.  Some of them are pipe dreams (oh NYC and So Cal, why must your price of living be astronomical?) but there were about 4 that were serious contenders.  But in the end, only one can prevail.  

It might take me a year.  It might take me four months.  And it certainly won't be easy to box up my life and save up the money to once again move across the country.  And its especially a good thing that my past year long affair with this state ended well, because I am once again heading to Utah. 

I am so excited about this.  The past two years since returning home have been a very long dark tunnel, but its nice to finally be in the light and see hope and a future.  I will certainly miss my wild and wonderful West Virginia hills, but I've learned all I can learn here.  I'm not going to find the things I want out of life here so on to the next adventure I go.   

And you know what?  I think a change will do me good.

Shopping on the Sabbath

So the last customer of the day was making his purchase and I didn't see him lay down his 5 but I saw him move while I was getting his bag so I assumed he had slid a card.  He pointed to the 5 on the counter and I made a joke about not having a brain or eyes today.  This man then proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't have to work on Sunday anyway.  And I wish he wouldn't have said that.  It had been such a lovely day thus far.

Annoyed, but reminding myself I'm still at work, I politely as I can tell him that if people wouldn't shop on Sunday, I wouldn't have to work.  He laughs and replies with "Well, there's nothing else to do." And I wish he wouldn't have said that either.

I bit my tongue and handed him his change, but that last statement made me mad.  I am not someone who is prone to anger, in fact, I can't remember the last time I was properly angry.  But oh boy, if you want to rile me up you apparently just need to tell me that there is nothing else on God's green Earth that you could be doing on the Sabbath other than shopping.

So dear sir, here is a small list of things you could be doing instead of shopping on Sunday:

• taking a walk through nature to enjoy the Lord's creation
• visiting the sick or elderly
• spending time with your family (somewhere that doesn't require someone else to work for you to be there)
• watching Prince of Egypt or some other gospel centered movie
• taking a nap
• reading scriptures
• taking time to marvel at how wonderfully the Lord has blessed your life.

See, 7 things that took longer to type out than to come up with.  So shopping isn't the only thing you could be doing on this day the Lord has set aside.  Because in Exodus 20 one of the Ten Commandments given to the children of Israel was, "Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy."  But God didn't stop there!  He continued, explaining, "But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day, and hallowed it." (emphasis added)

The Sabbath is more than just not working.  It should be spent glorifying God and helping those in need.  But the part I wish so many people didn't forget is that part in italics.  Part of the Sabbath day observance as laid out by the Lord requires not making others work.  The kitchen supplies, clothes, books, movies, and body wash will still be at the mall on Monday.  There are so many better things to do on the Lord's day than shop.    

A New Me, A New Blog Title

After my last post I decided that my original blog title was no longer fitting.  "The Obligatory Narcissistic College Kid Blog" had a good run, but given that I have been out of school for two years it just didn't fit anymore.  And I wasn't really narcissistic... Okay maybe a little bit.  But hey its my blog and my experiences.

What I wanted was a title that more accurately represented the direction I was heading in my life.  I feel like I'm finally maybe possibly not-holding-my-breath but quite likely at least on the path to getting my life back in order after the low the past two years have been.   And thus "Finding My Way" was born.  Doesn't quite have the poetry of the old title but it names this space of mine much better.

"Defying Gravity" also crossed my mind.  It's such an empowering song!

I don't think the blog itself will change much.  Its always been a place of introspection and that's not likely to become different now.  It's always going to be a place where I talk about my life and what's on my mind and things I'm learning.  I mostly do it for me so I can look back and know at least a small part of what was going on in my mind.  I also write because I am a believer that there are things only I can say (or you, or she, or he, etc) and maybe my musings on life can help others solve things in their lives.

So here's to new beginnings.  And to hoping things at least turn out like they should.

Late Night Thoughts: Who Are You Now?

Hello blog.  Long time, no see.  Sorry its been eight months but the optimism of my last post was short lived.  Funnily enough I've been miraculously happy for the past couple weeks, but this post is going to be about working through some doubts.  I may have an answer by the end or I may have more questions.  Who knows.

With this new found happiness I find that I feel like I can take on anything.  I have this car with a full tank of gas and snacks for the road and I realized right I as I was about to floor it to my short term destination that I had no idea what direction to point the car in after that.  Somewhere between listening to the voices, including my own, that said my dreams were unrealistic and impossible and a crippling depression that made my desire to do anything including live nonexistent, I lost my dreams.  I'm honestly not even sure I'd recognize them as my own if I found them.

So now there is just this daunting list of questions swirling around my brain.  Who are you now?  What do you want to do with your life?  Where do you want to end up?  What is important to you?  What did you want. but only really wanted because you were told you should?  What were you put on this earth to accomplish?

I think 3 am is too late at night to find the answers if only because these answers aren't going to be found right away.  I need some time to get reacquainted with myself.  I've spent nearly half my life being depressed and tearing myself down and it's going to take some time to heal that.  And the rest?  Well, I hope I'll figure that out as I heal.  It might take some time, but I'll find it.  When I do, I'm not losing it again.    

Why Hello There 2014.

Why hello there 2014.  It's good to meet you.  I hope we get along just fine.  You see, all the years before you, well, they've not treated me very kindly.  But you, I have a very good feeling about you.

Forgive my little personification above.  It's late and I'm feeling a bit loopy, but I just want to get some thoughts down.

I normally do little "recaps" of the good and bad bits of [insert year here], but I know what 2013's would look like.  Yes, I met amazing people and I learned a lot, but there was a lot of depression this past year.  I wasn't in a very good place for a lot of 2013.  Your best friend deciding he really doesn't want to date you (or really even be your friend either) after prompting after prompting points you in his direction even before he made a move tends to do that to a girl.  And I only mention that for perspectives sake. I was devastated.  Not only did I lose a friend I thought would always have my back, I started to doubt all the promptings I had received and my connection to my Heavenly Father that I had relied so heavily upon up to that point.

I'm doing a lot better.  I have more good days than depressed days and I'm starting to trust the promptings I receive from the Holy Ghost again. That's something that I made a resolution even before the New Year: to get my relationship with my Heavenly Father back on track.  I think I've made good progress so far.  But this post wasn't even really supposed to be about resolutions.  I've never been a fan of them.  If I want to change something in my life, I don't see the point in waiting for some magic date or resolving to change something I know I won't follow through on because I really don't want to change.  (End mini rant.)

No, the whole point of this post, is to document the fact that on the third day of 2014, I, Chelsea L. Conner, for the first time in who knows how long, thinks that this is going to be a really great year.  I know who I want to be and am working to become her.  I have a fairly decent idea of what I want to do.  And I have a better idea than ever of the qualities I desire in the person I hope to spend eternity with.  I plan on moving this year and I just know that great things are going to await me there.  I don't know what they are.  Maybe I'll meet my eternal companion.  Maybe I'll take a class that gives me an idea for how to move forward with the things I want to do in this world.  Maybe I'll help others to see Christ's love.  I don't know.  All I know is that Columbus, OH is where my Heavenly Father wants me to be.  It's the last thing I expected, but that's what I thought about moving to Utah and that was wonderful.  

It might be hard.  Nothing may go the way I want it to, but I know that my Heavenly Father will bring me through anything he brings me to.  That's another thing I learned this past year.  I know that through him, all things are possible.  I welcome this year with open arms.  One way or another, it's going to be a really great year.             

It's Just "See Ya Later"

Last night, I said "See ya later" to Matt; someone I have known my whole life and has been one of my best friends for the past six and a half years.  I can tell you exactly when we went from casual church friends to on our way to being best friends.  Summer before our freshman year, we had the opportunity to go to Nauvoo, IL, an LDS church historical site, for Youth Conference.  Matt and I happened to be in the same group (something I now consider divine intervention) and were in the Nauvoo Visitor's Center.  I was wandering around when I noticed Matt standing by himself looking at this large window overlooking the garden.  For details that are unimportant here, I knew something was wrong.  I went up to him, I don't remember what was said, but we walked around the Center's garden.  We hung out a lot that weekend and after that how could I not become his friend?  Matt had this hard exterior when we became teenagers, but I had seen past that.  I discovered someone who has a bigger heart than anyone I know our age.  Someone who's compassion and patience always astounds me.

It may be super blurry, but this was the earliest picture of us on Facebook.
This was Youth Conference our second year.  

Helping each other out became the foundation of our friendship. From petty drama to people (and Matt, I know one person will spring to mind immediately) whose opinions were flat out wrong (as well as horribly rude).  To broken collar bones and broken hearts.  To knowing when a grandparent dies that no words can help, but a very long hug is greatly appreciated.  I can't imagine surviving my high school years without this kid.

But don't worry.  We had fun too.  And so, these are some of my favorite memories of Matt (as well as some awesome pictures):

Most important first: Music.  Matt can sure play the guitar, along with a host of other instruments including his voice. We've done two church talent shows together and a special musical fireside.  But some of my favorite memories are at his house or at the church and just listening to him play and singing along when I knew the song.

• The seminary party at the Newell's house for Halloween sophomore year.  I don't know anyone who loves Nightmare Before Christmas more than Matt and we watched it sitting side by side.

 

The hatted head is Matt.  The other guy is his brother Kyle.

• This picture:

Need I say more?

• At a bonfire at my house the night before the Fourth of July, Matt found out I would be spending it alone.  He was having none of that.  He had his Dad come and get me and I spent the day with him and his family.

• Matt and our friend Chad dancing or skipping together...

 

Matt and I spent a lot of our third Youth Conference, a Pioneer trek, together along with a few other friends.  Other than just general goofing off, at one point him and another guy were wrestling and one of the adults from our ward threatened them with a frying pan.

Its all fun and games until the frying pan comes out.

• Forcing me to go down the really scary, super fast water slide.  Wait, did I say that was a good memory?  Well, its a memory at any rate.

• A tradition of stealing hats.  Matt always has a hat on. I however not as much, so he has to take advantage of it when it happens.

• During our fourth Youth Conference together, one of the girls in our groups boyfriend broke up with her at the start of it.  We all tried to keep her mind off it and just enjoy the weekend.  If you know Matt, you know he's a flirt.  He flirts with everyone.  When we were younger he got a bad rap for it, but as we got older I could see that it was just him trying to make people happy.  Well, at this particular Conference we were standing in line getting dinner and he had been swapping pick up lines with this girl and she was smiling.  Matt turned to me kind of seriously and said, "Ya know, I just want to see you girls smile.  And I've learned flirting is one of the quickest ways to do that."  That first sentence is Matt in a nutshell.  

I think on that note, I'll end this little list.  But this isn't goodbye; you can't get rid of me that easily! It's simply a "See ya later" whether that's a few months, many years, or in the next life.  But you'll always be a part of me Matthew.    

The photo we took tonight.  We were hot, sweaty, and tired,
but I needed one last picture until we see each other again.

And I know this move is going to do amazing things for you Matt.  Good luck.  Behave yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Know that no matter what, I'll be here for you.  And as Green Day would say, "I hope you have the time of your life."

Love, Chelsea <3 

Thoughts on Life as Inspired by Marriage

Generally, this is the time I would apologize profusely for abandoning this poor blog for nearly four months (Yikes!  Has it really been that long‽) and promise that neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night will keep me from not posting for that long ever again.  You and I both know deep down this is a blatant lie.  So let's save the empty promises for another day and get to the post I actually wanted to write.

About a week ago my friend Brogan went on a bit of a rant about trying to force or guilt people into marriage before they are ready (and when I say bit, there were 13 statuses of varying lengths). I agreed with all of them, but one in particular stood out to me:

Likewise, getting married before you're prepared for marriage is akin to setting out on a road trip with no map, no plan, and an empty tank of gas. It has the potential to end badly. I refuse to make that serious of a commitment when I am nowhere near prepared for such an expedition.

I can really relate to that.  A year ago I returned home for a couple reasons, but the main one was to begin a relationship with my very best friend who would return close to home a few months after me.  I had hopes and dreams this relationship would work and turn into a beautiful marriage.  I already loved him with all my heart.  And besides, I had prompting after prompting from Heavenly Father pointing me in his direction.  I was ready, right?

Well, shortly after his return he ended things.  While I miss the friendship we once shared, I realized in time that I had not been in a good place emotionally to begin a serious relationship.  Trying to ignore nearly half a lifetime of depression does not work well, in fact, it tends to hit harder than it was before when it has such excellent fuel to burn.

As I was starting to come out of the "I don't want to even get out of bed because everything hurts" part of my depression, I decided to go to a Young Single Adult Conference held by the Clarksburg, WV Stake.  I almost didn't go, but I'm so glad I did because I got to meet and learn from the wonderful Mara and Danny Kofoed who run A Blog About Love. They changed my world.  Here were two people who were the embodiment of everything I wanted for myself.  I have never met anyone so full of love for themselves and others as these two.

It was as they talked about their idea of "don't find a soulmate, become a soulmate" that it really hit me that I had some work I needed to do for myself before I would be in the right place to be a good partner.   (An idea they talk about in this post.  Its so much better from them as apposed to my second hand ramblings.)  They taught that it was important to become a complete person and find someone else who is a complete person with similar goals in life to start a relationship with as opposed to the current view of a soulmate being someone who completes you.  I have always been a hopeless romantic so this concept rocked my world.  I had romanticized this idea of this person who would be "perfect" for me and make me half of a whole.  With Mara and Danny's counsel in the back of my head, this concept I once held close seems so sad.  Isn't two wholes coming together to make an even greater whole even better?  I think so.   

I realized I needed to get my depression under control.  I needed to get my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ back on track.  I needed to become the person I knew I had the potential to become.  That part of me that wanted to be like the Kofoeds had always been there I just hadn't had the right example to strive towards until that conference and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for that.

I'm still working towards becoming that complete, loving person.  I know I'm not nearly there yet.  But I guess the purpose of this post was to say that its okay to not be ready for huge life decisions.  And it's okay to want to be in the best place you could possibly be before you make those big choices.  Don't let anyone tell you differently.