It's Just "See Ya Later"

Last night, I said "See ya later" to Matt; someone I have known my whole life and has been one of my best friends for the past six and a half years.  I can tell you exactly when we went from casual church friends to on our way to being best friends.  Summer before our freshman year, we had the opportunity to go to Nauvoo, IL, an LDS church historical site, for Youth Conference.  Matt and I happened to be in the same group (something I now consider divine intervention) and were in the Nauvoo Visitor's Center.  I was wandering around when I noticed Matt standing by himself looking at this large window overlooking the garden.  For details that are unimportant here, I knew something was wrong.  I went up to him, I don't remember what was said, but we walked around the Center's garden.  We hung out a lot that weekend and after that how could I not become his friend?  Matt had this hard exterior when we became teenagers, but I had seen past that.  I discovered someone who has a bigger heart than anyone I know our age.  Someone who's compassion and patience always astounds me.

It may be super blurry, but this was the earliest picture of us on Facebook.
This was Youth Conference our second year.  

Helping each other out became the foundation of our friendship. From petty drama to people (and Matt, I know one person will spring to mind immediately) whose opinions were flat out wrong (as well as horribly rude).  To broken collar bones and broken hearts.  To knowing when a grandparent dies that no words can help, but a very long hug is greatly appreciated.  I can't imagine surviving my high school years without this kid.

But don't worry.  We had fun too.  And so, these are some of my favorite memories of Matt (as well as some awesome pictures):

Most important first: Music.  Matt can sure play the guitar, along with a host of other instruments including his voice. We've done two church talent shows together and a special musical fireside.  But some of my favorite memories are at his house or at the church and just listening to him play and singing along when I knew the song.

• The seminary party at the Newell's house for Halloween sophomore year.  I don't know anyone who loves Nightmare Before Christmas more than Matt and we watched it sitting side by side.

 

The hatted head is Matt.  The other guy is his brother Kyle.

• This picture:

Need I say more?

• At a bonfire at my house the night before the Fourth of July, Matt found out I would be spending it alone.  He was having none of that.  He had his Dad come and get me and I spent the day with him and his family.

• Matt and our friend Chad dancing or skipping together...

 

Matt and I spent a lot of our third Youth Conference, a Pioneer trek, together along with a few other friends.  Other than just general goofing off, at one point him and another guy were wrestling and one of the adults from our ward threatened them with a frying pan.

Its all fun and games until the frying pan comes out.

• Forcing me to go down the really scary, super fast water slide.  Wait, did I say that was a good memory?  Well, its a memory at any rate.

• A tradition of stealing hats.  Matt always has a hat on. I however not as much, so he has to take advantage of it when it happens.

• During our fourth Youth Conference together, one of the girls in our groups boyfriend broke up with her at the start of it.  We all tried to keep her mind off it and just enjoy the weekend.  If you know Matt, you know he's a flirt.  He flirts with everyone.  When we were younger he got a bad rap for it, but as we got older I could see that it was just him trying to make people happy.  Well, at this particular Conference we were standing in line getting dinner and he had been swapping pick up lines with this girl and she was smiling.  Matt turned to me kind of seriously and said, "Ya know, I just want to see you girls smile.  And I've learned flirting is one of the quickest ways to do that."  That first sentence is Matt in a nutshell.  

I think on that note, I'll end this little list.  But this isn't goodbye; you can't get rid of me that easily! It's simply a "See ya later" whether that's a few months, many years, or in the next life.  But you'll always be a part of me Matthew.    

The photo we took tonight.  We were hot, sweaty, and tired,
but I needed one last picture until we see each other again.

And I know this move is going to do amazing things for you Matt.  Good luck.  Behave yourself.  Take care of yourself.  Know that no matter what, I'll be here for you.  And as Green Day would say, "I hope you have the time of your life."

Love, Chelsea <3 

Thoughts on Life as Inspired by Marriage

Generally, this is the time I would apologize profusely for abandoning this poor blog for nearly four months (Yikes!  Has it really been that long‽) and promise that neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night will keep me from not posting for that long ever again.  You and I both know deep down this is a blatant lie.  So let's save the empty promises for another day and get to the post I actually wanted to write.

About a week ago my friend Brogan went on a bit of a rant about trying to force or guilt people into marriage before they are ready (and when I say bit, there were 13 statuses of varying lengths). I agreed with all of them, but one in particular stood out to me:

Likewise, getting married before you're prepared for marriage is akin to setting out on a road trip with no map, no plan, and an empty tank of gas. It has the potential to end badly. I refuse to make that serious of a commitment when I am nowhere near prepared for such an expedition.

I can really relate to that.  A year ago I returned home for a couple reasons, but the main one was to begin a relationship with my very best friend who would return close to home a few months after me.  I had hopes and dreams this relationship would work and turn into a beautiful marriage.  I already loved him with all my heart.  And besides, I had prompting after prompting from Heavenly Father pointing me in his direction.  I was ready, right?

Well, shortly after his return he ended things.  While I miss the friendship we once shared, I realized in time that I had not been in a good place emotionally to begin a serious relationship.  Trying to ignore nearly half a lifetime of depression does not work well, in fact, it tends to hit harder than it was before when it has such excellent fuel to burn.

As I was starting to come out of the "I don't want to even get out of bed because everything hurts" part of my depression, I decided to go to a Young Single Adult Conference held by the Clarksburg, WV Stake.  I almost didn't go, but I'm so glad I did because I got to meet and learn from the wonderful Mara and Danny Kofoed who run A Blog About Love. They changed my world.  Here were two people who were the embodiment of everything I wanted for myself.  I have never met anyone so full of love for themselves and others as these two.

It was as they talked about their idea of "don't find a soulmate, become a soulmate" that it really hit me that I had some work I needed to do for myself before I would be in the right place to be a good partner.   (An idea they talk about in this post.  Its so much better from them as apposed to my second hand ramblings.)  They taught that it was important to become a complete person and find someone else who is a complete person with similar goals in life to start a relationship with as opposed to the current view of a soulmate being someone who completes you.  I have always been a hopeless romantic so this concept rocked my world.  I had romanticized this idea of this person who would be "perfect" for me and make me half of a whole.  With Mara and Danny's counsel in the back of my head, this concept I once held close seems so sad.  Isn't two wholes coming together to make an even greater whole even better?  I think so.   

I realized I needed to get my depression under control.  I needed to get my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ back on track.  I needed to become the person I knew I had the potential to become.  That part of me that wanted to be like the Kofoeds had always been there I just hadn't had the right example to strive towards until that conference and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for that.

I'm still working towards becoming that complete, loving person.  I know I'm not nearly there yet.  But I guess the purpose of this post was to say that its okay to not be ready for huge life decisions.  And it's okay to want to be in the best place you could possibly be before you make those big choices.  Don't let anyone tell you differently.

      

Happiness, Conferences, and Music.

I have been really happy recently.  The sun is shining. The weather's getting warmer. Spring has arrived! 

Taken at Jackson's Mill

But it's more than the weather that's causing the change in my mood.  I've also been working at being happy.
A few weekends ago, I went to an LDS Young Single Adult Conference at Jackson's Mill and got to meet the lovely couple behind A Blog About Love.  These two taught me so much in the three short days of the Conference.  What hit me most over the weekend was that happiness is a choice.  And not that "fake it 'til you make it" nonsense I've always heard.  I tried that method for nine years and it definitely doesn't work!

Mara and Danny Kofoed

Instead, they emphasized finding happiness independent from circumstances.  Circumstances are never constant and they are going to change- sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst.  They also emphasized choosing to react positively to negative things.  Mara articulates it a lot better in this post.  Basically, it's all about inner harmony.

   

See? Happy!

   Another thing that has my spirit up is one of my favorite things: music.  It's always been a huge part of my life and nothing is better than something upbeat that makes me want to dance.  So here are a few of the song's I've been blasting lately.  Enjoy!

1. Lucky Day by Nicola Roberts 
2. Good Morning Sunshine by Alex Day (I wake up to this every morning.)
3. Elle Me Dit by Mika (I still have no idea what's going on in this video, but the song is great.)
4. Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga
5. I Love It by Icona Pop (Some language)
6. Do It Anyway as covered by Liam Dryden
7. How to Be a Heartbreaker by Marina and the Diamonds
8. Carried Away by Passion Pit (This has to be one of the coolest videos ever.)
9. Just Can't Get Enough as covered by Glee
10. One Way Or Another (Teenage Kicks) as covered by One Direction

"Come Listen to a Prophet's Voice!"

This weekend is one of my two favorite weekends that happen every year: General Conference!

If my non-LDS friends are reading this, they may be thinking, "But Chelsea, what's this General Conference that you speak of?  I do not know what this is."  Well, General Conference is when those of the LDS faith gather together, whether it be in the Conference Center in Salt Lake City, in church buildings around the world, or by listening or watching on the internet, TV, or radio in their own homes, to listen as Prophets and Apostles of the Lord, give us guidance from Him.

Yes.  You read that right.  As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I and other members of the church, believe that the Lord still speaks to us today through His chosen prophets and apostles. Thomas S.  Monson, his councilors, and the Quorum of The Twelve Apostles are living prophets, seers, and revelators- men called to speak for the Lord and guide His Church upon the Earth in our time.  Our loving Father in Heaven has not allowed us to continue to stumble in the darkness to find our own way to Him, but has given us a living, everlasting beacon of continued light  and guidance.

General Conference is divided into four sessions: Saturday morning (noon EST) and afternoon (4 pm EST) and Sunday morning (noon EST) and afternoon (4 pm EST).  These sessions take place during the first weekends of April and October. Here is a link to where you can watch the sessions live.  All the sessions are wonderful and inspiring, but if you can only make time to watch one session of Conference, I recommend catching the Sunday morning session as that is when Thomas S. Monson, current President of the Church, will be speaking.

When I was out in Utah, I traveled the three and a half hours up to Provo to stay with some friends from West Virginia (well hung out with a lot of people, stayed with one (Thanks so much Courtney!)) and we went up to Salt Lake for two sessions that October and one in April.  The first time being in the Conference Center was an amazing experience and one I will never forget.

We had tickets for the Saturday morning session so we got up early (Conference starts at 10 when you're in Utah) and drove the 45ish minutes up to Salt Lake.  From there we waited in line and then found our seats.  The Spirit in the Conference Center was so strong.  A little bit before the Conference started, we were all asked to stand as the First Presidency walked out and took their seats on the stand.  The Spirit, which was already so strong, intensified.  The still, small voice of the Spirit whispered, "These are men of God."

That experience is just one of many reasons I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I bear my testimony to anyone who reads this that this the true church upon the Earth today.  It was restored through Joseph Smith Jr. by the power of the Lord.  The Lord's hand is in this work and it is marvelous.  It has been the constant in my life and I have been made stronger when I turn to it.  I know these things because I prayed to know that they were true and the Holy Ghost, the third member of the Godhead, touched my heart and allowed me to know the truthfulness of these things.

But don't take my word for it.  Watch General Conference this weekend with an open heart and ask God if these things are true.  In Matthew 7:20 it states, "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."  This is just one of many fruits of the gospel of Christ.  It is delicious unto me.  It has blessed my life and I know it can bless yours if you will let it.

    

He Is Risen!

Happy Easter everyone!
With it being Easter Sunday, I wanted to write about something that is on my mind: The Atonement.
I took an Institute class this summer called "The Atonement in the Book of Mormon".  When I went into the class, I felt I had a fairly good grasp on what the Atonement was.  When the class ended, I felt I had learned a lot, but that I really knew nothing.  Which is a sign of the complexion and vastness of the Atonement.  The class met eight times and each time we met, we'd tackle a different aspect of the Atonement.  So I learned a little about different facets, as opposed to studying one deeply.
For those wondering what the Atonement is, True to the Faith (a gospel reference book published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) says, "The word atone means to reconcile, or to restore to harmony. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can be reconciled to our Heavenly Father. We can ultimately dwell in His presence forever, having been “made perfect through Jesus”." In essence, Jesus Christ suffered for our sins to make up the difference when we fall short and to know how to comfort and help us when we need it.  He conquered death and rose again so we could inherit all the Father hath.  As President Bruce C. Hafen put it, "But, after all we can do, the Atonement can fill that which is empty, straighten our bent parts, and make strong that which is weak."
Since it is Easter Sunday, I am reminded once again how much our Savior loves each one of us regardless of the choices we might have made.  I know I fall short and I make mistakes and I don't always do the things I should.  But I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father and the love of my Savior always but especially when I felt I didn't deserve it.  And that has made all the difference in my life.

4 AM Angst

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life and choices and just normal things a twenty year old girl who, basically, put her life on hold for something that definitely did not work out would think about.  I guess you could say that I've been having a bit of an existential crisis as of late.  And you probably wouldn't be wrong.
With the exception of a mini-rant about packing, I keep this blog pretty optimistic, because that is the persona I have chosen to present to the world at large.  Beginning of January I wrote about how everything that had happened was just an opportunity to start over.  And at the time, that was exactly how I felt.
Soon after, my outlook changed.  Not because things got worse, but because depression is a thing and it, for lack of an adequate word, sucks.  I've been struggling with depression since I was in sixth grade.  It knows my triggers and weak spots (which is a whole 'nother blog post, let me assure you) and being back in a place with so many awful memories and being blindsided by the absolute last person I expected to hurt me, I had left my self wide open for attack.
Depression is a mental illness.  It makes me lose all motivation to do anything.  Getting out of bed is a struggle so forget wanting to do anything else.  And since my hours at work were slowly getting cut, there were a lot of days spent in pajamas watching mindless TV shows on my laptop.
And obviously, you have the emotional side of depression.  I flip-flopped between indifference, bitter anger, and soul-crushing hopelessness (emphasis on the latter.)  The best way to describe depression is imagine having a little dementor from Harry Potter follow you around everywhere, but he's only affecting you.  Sounds pleasant, right?
With that comes the physical side.  Carrying that much sadness around with you is heavy- literally.  At times, it felt my all my emotional baggage was piled on top of me (think The Junk Lady from Labyrinth only instead of stuff, years of unresolved issues from bullying mixed with the current rejection and heartache.)
I say all this not for pity or for attention, but because this blog is an insight into my mind.  And my mind is not all sunshine and optimism as much as I wish it was.  And also because writing helps me heal.  I've wrote I don't know how many posts about my depression since it is something I've dealt with for nearly half my life, but they all have been deleted.  I couldn't finish them.  It was too hard.  I don't talk about it that much either. I hate complaining about my life especially when most of the time I can't put a concrete reason on why I feel as bad as I do.  And because there are so many misconceptions about depression and for a long time I listened and feared how I would be perceived.
With that said, I'm going to end this here before I chicken out and delete it again.
  

A Change of Address

Okay, so there's not a physical change of address (unless you're way behind and didn't know I moved back to West Virginia.).  Nope.  But this blog has a new url which has been blatantly stolen from the song "When We First Met" by hellogoodbye.

 The second verse starts "Oh Chelsea Lynn" which happens to be the part of my name that won't change when I get married.  Fun fact (or sad fact depending on your point of view): I listened to this song for months before realizing that my name was in it.  It was a good song before, but now it will forever be one of my favorite songs.
But 'ldswordpainter' has not disappeared forever.  Oh no.  It is now the url for my writing blog (click the link to go there and make my day).  Why do I need a writing blog?  No idea.  I got the idea at around 2 am and ran with it.  Nothing's there except for a welcome post explaining it better for now, but soon it will be filled with words.
...In theory.

Take Chances, Make Mistakes, and Get Messy!

Sometimes things happen that you never foresaw happening.  Sometimes, these things are wonderful and surpass what you had envisioned for your own life.  And sometimes, you change everything for something or someone and it all comes crashing down.
I'm living in the after math of the crash right now.
Now would be the time that it would be really easy to hold company with Coulda, Woulda, and Shoulda.  I could have stayed in Cedar City.  I wouldn't have been so hasty to change all my plans.  I should have weighed the consequences of things not working out when I decided to move yet again.  I guess that's why hindsight is perfect.  If I could go back, maybe I would have done things differently.  
I don't have a TARDIS though, so I'm trying to look at the bright side.  I've gone from having a (fairly) solid short-term life plan to well, not having much of one.  I'm trying to decide right now just what it is I want to do.  I want to go back to college, but where?  I could go back to Utah, or move to Columbus for my own reasons.  The world is my playground.  I can go anywhere.
I have heard from multiple people over the past year that I have talent.  That I'm going to go places with the gifts I have been given.  I'm looking at this mishap as a clean slate to chase after those talents and dreams unhindered by thoughts of how they will effect others (or specifically, one other person).
I look forward to whatever life is going to throw at me next.  I know it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.    

They Like Me!: An Announcement (With an UPDATE)

Let it be known throughout the land that Chelsea L. Conner's photo "Let's Set the World On Fire" taken from the top of the Empire State Building, is now on display in the building's highly trafficked Fifth Avenue Lobby.  Hers was one of 50 selected out of the top 100 voted on by the public.

Bottom left!

  This has combined two of my passions: photography and the city that stole my heart.  To have my work hung beside other amazing photographs has been a dream come true.

UPDATE 4/21/13:

This week that picture was the Empire State Building's profile picture.  As of this update, two people have commented on it, 13 people shared it, 24 people 'like' it, and who knows how many have seen it!  What is my life?

Entertaining the Monsters

I've been entertaining
the monsters again.
I know I shouldn't
but they feel just like old friends.

They can be vicious and cruel,
but they're old and familiar.
And maybe they bite,
but its nothing I can't handle.

The Gift of Trial

I was looking through some writing of mine and stumbled upon this.  Just thought I would share.

Oft times, the bitterest of trials

are but blessings in disguise.

For a time they drag us down

to unspeakable depths of pain

but can be a light unto us when reflected upon.

Lessons taught but unlearned

are brought to the forefront

of our memories.

Terrible occurrences

seemingly curse our lives,

bestow wondrous insight,

not to be gained otherwise.

And sometimes we realize

these seemingly impossible trials

are only for our good. 

Everything falls apart

for our own benefit. 

This is a gift

 from a loving Heavenly Father

who only wants our ultimate happiness.

It is his divine intervention

that puts the hard times on our path

so we are forced to travel through a refiner’s fire. 

But just as silver is made pure in such a fire

our trials teach us the ways of Christ

and we are made pure

by His love and mercy.