Not Your Average Father's Day Post

I really do not like today.  It reminds me in full force what I lack, and I don't like that.
For those of you who know me well (and now all who read this post), know that I do not know my father and, most of the time, have no desire to.  He's an alcoholic.  He's been in and out of jail.  I know he never went to college and I'm fairly certain he didn't graduate high school (I'd be surprised if he had).  Most of the time, I really don't like admitting we share some DNA for those reasons.
But sometimes I wish I could meet him.  These reasons are purely spiteful.  I like to believe that my Mom did an amazing job raising me.  She pushed me to be the best I could be.  She never wanted anyone to say, “Oh, she’s from a single parent home. You’ll have to excuse her.”  I graduated high school.  I'm receiving a college education, and earning my own money.  Because of family history, I've never smoke or drank and have no desire to.  I've never even been to the principal's office let alone done something big enough to get me thrown in jail.  I hope to be able to get a good job and one day get married and have a family of my own.
I want to meet him so I can show him that I am nothing like him.  That I am making something of myself, even though he never did because he couldn't change.  That him not being in my life, didn't make me just another statistic.  That I'm a better person, because I never wanted to be like him.

The Great Perhaps

The poet François Rabelais's last words were, " I go to seek a Great Perhaps."  Like Pudge who quotes these words in the novel Looking For Alaska by John Green, I didn't want to wait until I died to seek the Great Perhaps.  Like him, I thought it could be found in this life.
When I first read the book, I was getting ready to come out to Southern Utah University.  I thought of this educational journey as my Great Perhaps, since I really had no idea what I was doing.  (Hell, I still don't!)  I had only a vague idea of what the campus looked like, no earthly idea as to what the town was like, and, the scariest bit, no idea who I was going to be living with and who I was going to meet.  I had never moved out of Parkersburg, WV, and so for the first time in my life, I was going to be completely on my own in a place I had never even visited.  At the time, I couldn't think of anything scarier or more exciting.  Once I hit the middle of August, my life would become one great big Unknown.
To some extent, I still agree with my younger self.  Moving to Cedar City was a perhaps, but it was only a small one in the grand scheme of things. The Great Perhaps is not one solitary event.  It is continuously going on.  I believe now that the true Great Perhaps also goes by another name: LIFE.  Life is scary.  Just when you think you have it all worked out, it dumps another mountain of challenges and complications on you and skips away gleefully as it laughingly says, "Have fun figuring all that out!"  And ya know what? I look forward to figuring it all out.  I'm still excited and scared for it, but I'm ready for the unknown of this life long journey.

Walk Into The Darkness

Harold B. Lee once said, “You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and perhaps a few steps into the darkness, and you will find that the light will appear and move ahead of you.”
I'm trying to center my life around this quote.  The future terrifies me.  I remember being a kid and honestly thinking that the closer I'd get to twenty, the more I'd have figured out; that be reaching adulthood, I would have all the answers.  HA! If only.  Instead, I'm finding that I have very, very few answers and very little idea as to where my life is going.
When I do get some idea of what my next move should be, it isn't always what I would want or expect to do.  Such is life I guess.  Searching for answers only to be unsure or dislike what you find.
But here's the thing.  I've learned the hard way many a time that when inspiration comes knocking, you open the door and run after it even if you really have no idea where its taking you.  Just as Lee said, things will become clearer as you go.
Or at least, I hope that's the case.