4 AM Angst

I've been doing a lot of thinking about life and choices and just normal things a twenty year old girl who, basically, put her life on hold for something that definitely did not work out would think about.  I guess you could say that I've been having a bit of an existential crisis as of late.  And you probably wouldn't be wrong.
With the exception of a mini-rant about packing, I keep this blog pretty optimistic, because that is the persona I have chosen to present to the world at large.  Beginning of January I wrote about how everything that had happened was just an opportunity to start over.  And at the time, that was exactly how I felt.
Soon after, my outlook changed.  Not because things got worse, but because depression is a thing and it, for lack of an adequate word, sucks.  I've been struggling with depression since I was in sixth grade.  It knows my triggers and weak spots (which is a whole 'nother blog post, let me assure you) and being back in a place with so many awful memories and being blindsided by the absolute last person I expected to hurt me, I had left my self wide open for attack.
Depression is a mental illness.  It makes me lose all motivation to do anything.  Getting out of bed is a struggle so forget wanting to do anything else.  And since my hours at work were slowly getting cut, there were a lot of days spent in pajamas watching mindless TV shows on my laptop.
And obviously, you have the emotional side of depression.  I flip-flopped between indifference, bitter anger, and soul-crushing hopelessness (emphasis on the latter.)  The best way to describe depression is imagine having a little dementor from Harry Potter follow you around everywhere, but he's only affecting you.  Sounds pleasant, right?
With that comes the physical side.  Carrying that much sadness around with you is heavy- literally.  At times, it felt my all my emotional baggage was piled on top of me (think The Junk Lady from Labyrinth only instead of stuff, years of unresolved issues from bullying mixed with the current rejection and heartache.)
I say all this not for pity or for attention, but because this blog is an insight into my mind.  And my mind is not all sunshine and optimism as much as I wish it was.  And also because writing helps me heal.  I've wrote I don't know how many posts about my depression since it is something I've dealt with for nearly half my life, but they all have been deleted.  I couldn't finish them.  It was too hard.  I don't talk about it that much either. I hate complaining about my life especially when most of the time I can't put a concrete reason on why I feel as bad as I do.  And because there are so many misconceptions about depression and for a long time I listened and feared how I would be perceived.
With that said, I'm going to end this here before I chicken out and delete it again.